From the blog

You have a friend who is in an emotionally abusive relationship; WWYD?

It’s Wednesday, and I’ve got a good one for you this week.

Let’s say you have a vibrant, talented, hard working, bright, beautiful friend.

Let’s say that this friend has a toxic, smothering, sabotaging fiance.  A lover who is happiest when she’s suffering, when she’s not soaring, when she’s following him around living in his large, insecure, emotionally abusive shadow.

What Would You Do?

Would you:

a) take your friend aside, to dinner, or on a girls weekend away and share with her the observations you have about her relationship with her fiance?

b) you’ve been friends for almost two decades, you’ve grown up together and are super close with her family, do you go to her mom and tell her the side of the relationship that you’ve seen, that maybe her mother never has, to see if her mother can talk some sense into her?

c)  gently advise her that she and her soon to be groom attend some couple’s counseling since all couples should do that anyway as they prepare to walk down the aisle, and hope that all the abusive behavior that you’ve witnessed gets observed by their therapist?

d)  do nothing.  It’s not your life, not your future, not your happiness.

As I do every week, I truly look forward to hearing how you would handle this delicate friend situation.

xo

SB

5 Comments

  1. Happy Wednesday Shantelle🌻
    1st thing I would do is try and talk to my very dear friend. So I would choose A and hope I can get through to her. Probability won’t happen. With that note I am never one to give up🏵 I love this wonderful amazing Beautiful person and I will call her Janey. We have been friends since kindergarten. 2nd thing I would is ( B) talk to her mom and explain what is happening to her amazing daughter. Maybe just maybe her mom can get Janey to listen. I hope this works because if Janey marry’s this terrible human being, it will destroy her. I hope her mom can get through to Janey that she deserves better. Don’t settle wait for someone that has the same values and loves you for who You are. Now for stage 3 Now if this doesn’t work Janey’s mom and myself can suggest they go to counseling because most new engaged couples do. Hope this works.
    If this doesn’t work her mom and I have sometime to show her the light. Being you I am I will not give up on Janey❤ I love her to much and now it’s time to show her what her boyfriend is really like. My work is not done. I hope this Works. I am a busy body or better yet Shit disturbor💚
    Janey please forgive me❤ What are besty for. love you .
    So my answers more than 1
    I would use (A) ( B) and ( C )in the end hope one of them works. 💚⚘💚

  2. I’d be worried about her. She cannot feel good about herself, like her stomach is in a perpetual knot. But I wonder if she’s settling for him because she thinks there’d be no others.
    In this case I’d do A & C. I’d never go to her family/Mom because she won’t listen to her. Let’s face it they are the ones that get blown off first because it’s easy to dismiss what they say. And you don’t want to get in between family. That’s dangerous to your friendship. I don’t know about you, but I can’t say nothing. Tread lightly! This is a touchy area, one’s heart.

  3. A terrible situation. I couldn’t just do D. I know it is their life but as a long time friend, I couldn’t just stand by an let them be abused. I think I would try a combination of a and b since there is a long time relationship with the family as well, She needs to be convinced that she deserves better. Sometimes they don’t think they do,

  4. I believe you should have a heart-to-heart talk with your friend. Let her know you want the best for her, that her happiness is important to you — and to her — and that you support her in whatever decision she makes. But, I’d also do this long before she’s engaged!

    I’m currently extracting myself from a 5yr relationship that falls squarely into this scenario. As I was talking with a dear friend, she told me she hadn’t liked the guy from the moment they met. Neither did her husband. Her reason: the way he spoke to me, the way he spoke around me, the way he excluded me and them from the conversation we were having. I asked why she didn’t say anything and she said she was hoping we’d get together again so she could see if he behaved the same again, but it didn’t happen, which also bothered her. At that point, she felt she didn’t have enough information to base an opinion on nor did we have occasion to really sit down and talk after that first lunch. I completely understand her point. But I would have followed up. At the very least, I would have made sure a friend knew I was there for her. I mean, I know she’s always there for me, but I would have made an effort if I were her.

    It’s so difficult to be on either side of the equation, yet I truly think a dear friendship can withstand a good come-to-Jesus talk. All it takes is straightforward but tactful approach with lots of love and maybe a glass of wine or five.

    I know I would have appreciated someone pointing out the behavior I was excusing and reminding me of my value so I could have left the situation before it became the toxic hell it ended up being.

    This is what friendship is all about — looking out for one another and honest conversation, support through the good and the bad, and just always being available for one another.

  5. C. Makes the most sense. A person on the middle of a toxic relationship is often too damaged to see it, so speaking directly to her or having her mother do it would likely just make her defensive. But in the guise of premarital couple counseling, an impartial counselor could elicit revelations that might make her think twice.

    My experience has been people walk down the aisle even when they suspect in their heart it’s doomed because they don’t want to upset people and they think somehow being married will change things for the better.

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