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One part of a couple is cheating, you know they are; What Would You Do?

Today’s What Would You Do Wednesday scenario, I believe, and hope will appeal to both my male and female audience.  In fact I would truly love to hear some male perspective on it.  I find it fascinating how much we differ on the matter of infidelity, or sex in general.  YB said something to me the other night, it was a totally innocent, casual response to a question I had for him, and the way I interpreted his response was so outside of what he thought I would think that we were both left scratching our heads.  Our differences never cease to amaze me.

So come with me on this Wednesday journey.  Picture this; you’re close friends with another couple, you come to discover, either because the cheating person in the other coupling told you, or you physically saw them with the person who is NOT their other half: your friend is having an affair.  Not a; “man I was traveling, met this woman/man while out of town, had sex” scenario, not a one night, no further contact, just a one night step outside of the coupling indiscretion.  I’m talking about you now have information about one of the people inside that relationship is involved in a full fledged second relationship.  This is not speculation, you have been told right from the horses mouth, or witnessed it with your own eyes.

What would you do??

Would you:

a)  encourage your friend to end things with their lover, and get their head back in the game of their marriage/partnership, and then both stay mom on the matter?

b) you immediately go to the half of the couple who is being cheated on and tell them what is going on?

c)  would you give the friend a timeline to come clean on their cheating ways or else you’ll go to the partner?

d) stay out of it, because couples seem to always work their shit out on their own, and they will most likely stay together and you would rather preserve the friendship that you have with them???

I cannot wait to hear what you all would do if in this position!

Happy Hump Day Friends.

xo SB

11 Comments

  1. My dear college friend brought his best friend’s husband to my event. Although he was married, he & MY best friend became a secret couple( not a one nighter). My friend J & I did not know what to do. I could not scold my friend as I , at a younger age, had stupidly become involved with a newly married man and she has stood strong with me against the tide of disapproval. It was awful, emotional and painful for all. It was especially bad for my best friend once they broke up. I mean at one point she dumped her now husband( who is fantastic) for this married guy so she must have loved the latter. I digress. I would say to say nothing. Now, had it been my best friend’s husband was cheating ,I think I would tell her. However, when you see people you know get involved in this situation don’t assume they don’t know what you know, that it’s wrong, sad and unfair to the other person in this triangle of love. They know, they are just masking it. Trying to live their own lives and work it out. We have to make mistakes to learn. Hopefully, they don’t leave permanent scars. Its very hard to grow up and live with the mistakes you made in your life…you just don’t know it at the time.

  2. I was in this situation, and I gave them time to work it out and I stayed the hell out of it. Even after the husband called me endlessly to try to get info out of me, I stayed firm and told him that it was not my story to tell. That he should ask his wife.

    Sadly, it all went to hell and we are no longer friends.

  3. Male here. I would stay out of it because I can’t think of anything I could say to anyone involved that would make things better for either party. I would also never tell anyone what I had seen, nor admit I knew to the betrayed party should they discover what is going on.

    There is simply too much I do not know about the relationship between the couple. Are they separated in all but location, staying in the same house because of the kids? Did they open their relationship? Have they always been poly-amorous or swingers but not out about it?

    Most affairs fade; perhaps the person stepping out on their marriage will step back in once the rough patch passes. Perhaps it’s just a mid-life fling. In the end, though, what it really is is none of my business; I’d act exactly like I would if I accidentally walked in on someone sitting on the toilet. Back out quickly and never speak of it again.

  4. I guess I would go with A. I’m starting to think I’m too old for your blog. I’ve seen so much S**t in my life that there are different answers to different cheating situations. Is just one spouse cheating? Are they both unfaithful? What is the agreement between them. Is one so desperately in love with the other person who isn’t here spouse thinking they should keep the marriage together for the children(never a good option IMO). The are so many factors to take into consideration. Having been witness to 2 cheating situations for several years I have mixed feelings on responding to this blogs. Everything isn’t always so black and white. When I was 19 I worked as a receptionist in a very large Law Firm and one of the Partners was having an affair with his secretary. One day at 11:30 AM they left. He said they were going out to take a deposition. His wife called I gave her the info he gave me. Nothing else. The wife called every hour to see if he was back. At 5 PM when we closed they were still not back. Next morning I was called into the Senior partner’s office and was fired for not telling the wife where he really was. I didn’t know where he really was other than what he told me. I knew about the affair, but that wasn’t any of my business. And when I was hired I was told straight out never to give out any more info than what I was told. Sometimes you can’t win.
    But, when I got married I told my husband. If you find some day you don’t love me anymore, just come to me and say so. We’ll split everything evenly and go our separate ways. But, if you ever cheat on me or lie to me I will divorce your ass so fast and take you for everything I can get. He looked me straight in the eye and said “the same goes for me” we shook hands on it. And it’s worked.

  5. Hmmm Another prickly issue on WWYDW 🙂 Hard for me to say here.
    a) You all may be friends but you are outside the couples relationship and as such I don’t think you have the right to dictate the actions they should take, Like leaving the lover. Or whatever. You can share what you would do and tell them how disappointed you are in them, but you can’t tell them what they have to do
    b) To me this would just cause pain without helping. And whatever the cheater may have told you, you don’t know the dynamics of their relationship that sent them that direction.
    c) Again it is not up to you to dictate the actions or the timeline in someone else’s relationship. But you can set a timeline for how long You will remain friends if nothing changes.
    d) This isn’t the best either. The friendship will not be the same whether you stay silent to not, because you know what is going on and it will seep into all of your interactions so don’t us that excuse to stay silent

    Hmmm

  6. Oh, gosh!
    I would probably start out talking to the cheater, find out how serious they are about ther lover, and ask them to think about how serious they are about their marriage. And then I would ask them to come clean to their spouse, because while the choice is theirs, the knowledge is mine, and it would eat at me, and I would have a hard time of it keeping it from my friend.
    So a combination of A and C.
    Might just add this: while a marriage in my book is a ‘forever’ commitment, I realise that people change over time, and unless they work at it, they can grow apart. It doesn’t mean they hate eachother, and scream and shout, but it may mean that they are no longer sexually compatible, or just don’t see the person they initially fell in love with. I would rather be friends with two seperate people, than lose one by lying by omission.

  7. Mrs. Bisson,
    IMHO, the only option is “d”. It’s usually best to stay out of other folks private lives, for all parties involved. I don’t know how women in general handle this sort of thing, but no married man I’ve ever known would tell even his best friend that he’s having an affair…period…and even if caught red handed, would the best friend ask too many questions or tell anyone else. Guys tend to stay out of each others personal business.

  8. I would do something different, which I have many years ago. I saw my friend/collegue who was married, having an affair with my boss (Project Lead actually). I had an opportunity to say something to him when we were alone in our computer lab, and this was it. I said, “are you fucking kidding me, screwing around with her? What part of you are married do you not get? If this is found out by (Company name) you are both fired! Not to mention if her husband finds out, he’ll break you in half like a freaking tooth pick! (He was in super shape)”. I did nothing after that, but I would just shake my head every time I’d see them talking in the hallway. It ended when she left the company to take a position elsewhere and she NEVER told him or had any contact with him from that point forward. He was so hurt! I just shook my head! I don’t like rubbing salt in the wounds. In my opinion and the way I live my life is, if you said for better or worse, then stick to it. The grass is always greener on the other side. You made a choice, when problems rise up, you work them out regardless of how painful it is. No relationship is perfect.

  9. This is a tough one and my mind is not working on all cylinders today but think I would go with option C.

  10. I have been in this situation. Friends with both of the couple. I went with C. Said this was not fair on the partner, not fair to me who was witnessing the situation. Said, end it, tell the partner, or I would be telling the partner.

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