Every single month without fail, day 26 and day 27 in my cycle I do not sleep. I can soak in a tub of magnesium oil, I can put twice as many melatonin tablets under my tongue and drink no alcohol, and I will still run hot enough to heat the entire room, as Yannick likes to point out. I even spend most of my night stark naked sleeping on top of the sheets and STILL have the body temperature of a boiler. It’s so not fun. It makes me cranky, because I mean who wouldn’t be cranky going two days without sleep? Especially when you’re a sleeper like me. I love my bed. I love being wrapped up in it and I dislike leaving it. Hand to God if I could live my life out of my bed I would. I think I truly would. Me, my three dogs, laptop for writing, cellphone for communicating, and somebody to bring me food when I require it, would be glorious.
I mean I say this, but truth is it would probably be a good three, maybe four days until I undoubtedly got bored, or started to get bedsores. At that point I would have to get up and rejoin the real world.
On a serious note though, what the hell gives with the wild hormones running amok in my body. I’m a woman of forty-seven haven’t you f’n hormones been the controlling force within my body long enough? Can’t you just slip into the night peacefully, content knowing that your job is done? Can’t I JUST LIVE hormones? Come on now, I’m doing all the right things to allow you to adjust in a positive balanced way. I’m taking my bio-identical estrogen and testosterone on certain days, progesterone on days 12-26, vitamins to boost this and that, melatonin, magnesuim for sleep. Yet you still plague me. Why? Why? Why? Stop already. I’m done having babies, I don’t care if I ever have another fucking period for the rest of my life. In fact, unlike so many other women who say ending that phase of their lives was a huge adjustment that left them feeling “blue” and “less like a woman.” I say; I AM NOT THAT WOMAN, I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE DAY WHEN YOU LEAVE ME. Therefore, with this in mind you’re welcome to just be done with me now. I will not miss you, I will not grieve you. In fact I may even throw a giant goodbye party once you finally make your exit from my life once and for all. No tears will be shed by this bitch. Not a one.
I mean come on, imagine the freedom of never having to travel with an entire extra bag of tampons, pads and the like? Think of the extra shoes I could bring with me on holiday instead. These are the sort of blessings and privileges of being a woman past the age of the monthly blood bath, that in my case has been with me for thirty six years, that I look forward to. As long as once the change is over I’m left with a dry vag, which I heard is what happens…that is one thing I would not celebrate.
I have observed how in some cases, the change can make some women sort of crazy. Like get away from me, emotions all over the place, too much of everything going on at once sort of crazy. I imagine this is especially true of the ladies who are, for whatever reason; “going it alone” instead of managing the transition with hormone therapy and supplements. In fact I witnessed a woman “of that certain age” just last week cussing and waving her hands at the owner of a greasy spoon diner we frequent. She was all irrational, loud and irritated because the owner had picked up her purse and moved it to the front cash while she was downstairs in the restroom. She did this for her because all her friends had left the table, the restaurant was packed and she was concerned her purse might get stolen. You would have thought this woman would’ve been thankful, but hell no. She was anything but. She was all hot and bothered, loud, mean, and filled with rage. A completely explosive overreaction to somebody doing her a solid.
It really made me go “hmmm” as to why us ladies, across the board, give so much of ourselves our entire lives to only have it come to a close with us being represented out in the world as “crabby older women?” I swear I’m doing everything in my power to keep my shit together for as long as I walk this earth. It is my commitment to all of you who know me that I will never stop doing what needs to be done so that I don’t lose the peddles in my life. Well at least NOT in public, and as long as some random man doesn’t decide to fuck with me, that is.