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Getting the most out of your relationship, by knowing when to battle, or wave the white flag.

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a thousand times, when having an intimate relationship it is so important to keep a part of yourself out of the relationship.  Sounds weird, I know, but let me explain what I mean.  So often when we’re in a relationship we end up feeling guilty if we find ourselves wanting a little “time out” from our partner.  Sometimes for me I long to just lay in bed in my pjs eating popcorn for dinner and watching bad TV.  Other times I want to go an entire day without having to answer a question, or make small talk.  We don’t have the same brain, interest, sleep schedule, and that’s okay.  It’s okay to not be “on” all the time in your partnership, hell we’re only human after all, and spending day in day out, week after week, month after month with one person, can get annoying.  I mean, let’s just be honest hear, we’re all friends.  The tricky thing is learning how to take that time out, respectfully, and without being an unwilling party to creating upset within your lover.  Which if you’re like me, a spicy little meatball, you might not have the most tact at making sure you get your much needed space. I’m working on this, hell, I feel like I’m forever working on this.  But that’s what being a mindful participant in a relationship is all about, doing constant balance and checks on yourself.

In last week’s segment, or two weeks ago now, I spoke on making sure you get alone time engaging in activities that you enjoy, keeping your spark, and your own interests alive and well so you continue to honour, that yes you are a part of a relationship, but you’re still your own person.  This week I’m digging a little bit deeper into that same sort of thinking, but more on an emotional level about how to be sure that you’re not allowing things that are truly upsetting you to be swept under your relationship rug, and then in a flash, out of the blue some teeny tiny issue comes up and you flip your lid.  It’s really just about being honest.  Honest with what you need inside your partnership to make you feel heard, loved, and respected.  I’m not suggesting you be a selfish, narcissistic ignorant human, I’m saying that you need to be in tune with yourself.   Be aware of what your needs are, and ensuring that you’re in a healthy loving relationship that is giving you what it takes for you to thrive and be well in your relationship.  Some days you might need to address a situation the instant it comes up, and go head to head on an issue right in the moment.  Then there are days where it might work better for both of you if you walk away, contemplate, and process within yourself.

Whatever works for you, and your partner is the ideal way to handle the issues that come up in your relationship.  No two relationships are the same, but, everywhere you go, there you are.  Which means that your needs, your triggers, your coping mechanisms are what they are, they’re not likely to go away completely, but what you can do, is train yourself in how you react when your buttons get pushed.  It’s like I said in the on-air segment friends, put your oxygen mask on first.  You can’t have a healthy relationship, if you’re not first having a healthy relationship with yourself.

xo

SB

 

 

 

1 Comment

  1. Interesting and insightful article from the female perspective in a long-term relationship. The male perspective is different although similar. My wife and I have been married 25 years and it’s a second marriage for both. So we both have experience with a long-term relationship that didn’t work out. Meeting, courting and marriage at a more mature age made some things much easier and some much harder. Remembering to inform the other about significant decisions is a major one for both of us…and always a point of contention when it happens. What constitutes “significant decision” also is a relationship minefield, at least from the male perspective. IMHO, after “discussing” the purchase of a new vehicle by one or the other, the actual make/model isn’t subject to spousal review if purchase price is in-line with discussed amount. Same goes the other direction when it comes to spousal remodeling projects, equestrian equipment/events, etc. When the “excrement comes in contact with the high velocity air mover”, one reminding the other of the bottom-line cost of ending said relationship is a sure cure for any unexpected short-term anger eruption…and renewed efforts to consulting on future “significant decisions”.

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