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You have a friend who is always a mess when they’re dating somebody; WWYDW???

I have been unable to post the entire time I’ve been on the ship.  It’s either due to the poor WIFI signal, or because it won’t allow me to do it from my laptop.  It’s one of those “one device per package” situations, and I am not the sort of person who can write anything longer than an email on my iPhone.  I have friends, and a husband, who literally do absolutely everything from their handheld devices.  I’m not that girl.  So that means no posting, until tonight.  Tonight, I am clacking away on my keyboard from the deck of my cabin, hoping I can find a way around the “one device” per WIFI package that this ship is on about, so I can “stick it to the man” and get back to blogging.

(I’ve missed it, and you all!)

I mean you would think if, as a guest, I’m paying $249.00 for the week to access the WIFI, I should be able to use both my personal devices from the same username.  But nah, that would be too generous for something that is already bouncing around the ship that the cruise line is most likely paying, maybe, $500-$1000 per month for.  If two, or four guests pay for unlimited WIFI on ONE cruise their costs are covered.  Greedy fuckers.  Things like this get my blood boiling.  Let me have both my devices on the same package, who’s it hurting???  Nobody is out of pocket here folks.  Give me a break.

Anyway, to the point of this post which is that it is time for this week’s WWYDW.  And I do believe I have a good one for you all…What would you do if you had a friend who every time they started dating a person they turned into the most unhappy, jealous, crabby, insecure, basically the absolute worst version of themselves?  Keep in mind that this is not partner specific, this is every single time they enter into a relationship they become an anxiety riddled mess.

Would you:

a) sit your friend down, check in on them and make sure that they’re content, and genuinely well in their new relationship?

b) point out to them that they have an unhealthy pattern of becoming anxiety riddled each and every time they embark on a new, exclusive relationship? Suggest that if they want to continue pursuing this relationship they get some counseling to heal whatever it is causing them to be this way, not in just this particular coupling, but that it is a pattern in all their intimate relationships?

c) let them know that you clearly think this new person in their lives is also not “their one” because they’re still not being their best self within the relationship and advise them to break up and continue looking.

d) do nothing since at this rate their relationship psychosis will kill this one the same way it has done all the other partnerships they’ve, unsuccessfully, tried to have?

I’m in the middle of this with a friend right now, so I cannot wait to hear how you all would broach this delicate situation.

Xo

SB

8 Comments

  1. “Tonight, I am clacking away on my keyboard from the deck of my cabin, hoping I can find a way around the “one device” per WIFI package that this ship is on about, so I can “stick it to the man” and get back to blogging.”

    😃Ha ha! Power to ya’, Shantelle!
    I also have things I’ll do on my device and things I’m all like “I can’t (as in would prefer not to have to) do this on here — I need my laptop!”

    Interesting WWYDW though…having that sort of situation written out now has me wondering if that’s what’s going on with a “friend of a friend” of sorts…Now you’ve got me going “Hmmm”… (as if you haven’t already on a multitude of other subjects 😉 Seriously, it’s a regular part of my perusing your blog, to then look away and stare off for a bit to “hmmm” on the topics at hand –ahead of thinking of them more than “a bit” once I’m away, and not still in perusing-blog-mode.
    I like that. Even though sometimes the subjects put one, obviously, in an uncomfortable place, I still like the eliciting of reflective moments).

  2. Sadly, this man is going to sabotage this relationship all by himself. As much as I’d love to sit him down and tell him what a jerk he is, what he really needs is to figure out WHY he’s such a romantic mess.

  3. I’ve been THAT GIRL. I likely would have remained that girl until someone reminded me that it was okay to be happy. I have also been on the other side, watching a friend self-sabotage every opportunity for contentment — in or out of their relationship.

    Personally, I’d likely have a conversation with my friend just to 1) make sure they’re okay, 2) let them know I see what’s happening, and 3) share what I’d been told — that it’s okay to be happy. If the pattern continues to repeat itself and this friend continues to seek my counsel, I’d eventually let them know I’m willing to talk about everything except their relationship because it’s become distressing for me to see them so unsettled all the time. Sometimes you just have to be blunt to open someone’s eyes. Blunt, but loving.

  4. So glad to have you back posting, Can’t believe the cruise policies, It’s Nuts
    But you already know that.

    a) should be done to keep an eye on a friend
    c) The relationship is Not our choice to make
    d) does nothing for a friend
    I would have to go with b) It does sound like the friend really needs some outside help, They may not even realize the changes they go through. If they really want to continue the relationship, professional counseling would be the best bet.
    I hope your friend can work things out and find someone they can be happy with and not anxiety ridden,

  5. Interesting dilemma, and one that I’m willing to bet we’ve all been a part of to varying degrees. I’d like to think that I’d start with A and then venture into B territory if I wasn’t getting anywhere with A. I guess it depends on how defensive the person is, too. I’ve dealt with this sort of thing with a not-too-close friend, but I’m not sure how I’d handle it with a close friend. I’d like to think I’d start with A and slide to B if necessary.

    I’m sorry to hear that you are dealing with this, and I hope it reaches a solution that works for the both of you. Best of luck!

  6. Well, I would do, in this order, D then after it’s over, I’d proceed to B! I’m the kind of person that if I screw up and act the fool, I want a close friend to kick me in the ass! And only close friends fit that role! I respect that! I need and want that! How else can I ensure I am being the best person I can be to myself and everyone else around me?

    Sounds like he needs therapy! BIG TIME! He must have a severe inferiority complex OR is subconsciously, fearful of relationships that peel away his outer shell, leaving him “naked” so to speak, and having all his “close” friends to hear about it via the group dynamic. Do you know what I mean? We all talk to each other about our respective significant others, good and bad, so some aspects of him that friends do not know, will only be known to an intimate person and therefore eventually known to the group after a time together. I hope that makes sense!

    Good luck with your friend. Sounds like he’s scared to death, yet needs an intimate relationship!

  7. Interesting about the WIFI. I have done several river cruises and WIFI is part of the package and not something I have to pay extra for and I can have as many devices on it as I want.

    For WWYDW, I would go with the D option and just wait it out.

  8. Definitely ‘B.’
    An appropriate counsellor is often a game changer for anyone. So much of how we behave as adults was patterned when we were children and don’t even remember. Counselling can teach someone who has no sense of boundaries, a new way of ‘being’ in the world. Someone who has anxiety for any reason, with discussion often can realize the basis of the concerns are not even valid but feel so strong it ends up creating insecurities.
    The thing is for your friend, going for counselling can be viewed as a very positive decision, may increase her emotional maturity. It will also let her know you cannot be leaned on or used as a support person for this situation – after all, you have boundaries too.
    Good luck. Maybe if you want to extend more support, than maybe I would, you could inquire as to a few appropriate psychologists – probably female ones would be best for her. Good luck.

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