Do you ever feel like your life is one step forward, two steps back? Or is that just me???

When life is hard,just breathe

Do you ever feel like you just keep getting kicked in the guts, or does your life ever feel like you’re going one step forward, two steps back…all the time?  Do you?  Or is it just me?

The interesting thing about my life, about being “me” is that I find it difficult to feel alright with feeling disappointed, or upset about where I’m at during my most difficult moments.  I don’t really feel “okay” being blue about things not going my way.  Because outwardly I definitely have more than my share of blessings, I know that I do.  In many ways my life is so much fuller, richer, and fulfilling than I could have ever imagined, and for that I’m deeply and profoundly thankful.  On the other hand, there are many things that I feel I’m still waiting to have come to fruition, for me.  Not for Yannick.  Not for our daughters.  Not for my friends, but goals, aspirations and dreams that are on my heart that I’m hoping will pan out for me.  So that I too might have something that I desire, that I’ve worked hard toward become a reality as well as those around me.  Being married to somebody who is as successful as my husband is has it’s pros and cons.

The pros are obvious, the cons.  Not so much.

People expect me to be content with being Yannick’s wife; with having lovely things, nice homes, exotic cars, anything that being the spouse of an actor of his caliber provides a person.  And I am.  Don’t get me wrong I really am.  But aside from all those things, I am also my own person, who, before I even knew there was a man out there named, Yannick Bisson, had hopes and dreams of her own.  Some of those were girlish fantasies that have long since gone by the wayside, but some of them still burn bright inside me.  Aspirations that have been on my heart for as long as I can remember, that no matter how hard I try to act like they aren’t important to me, or still a part of me, rage on.

I’m sure some of you reading this know exactly the feeling, the desire I’m talking about.  A dream that you, for some reason or other have yet to realize.  It’s shitty isn’t it.  To have such a desire on your heart that won’t quit.  So you, like me, probably work your ass of to bring it round to fruition, but for some reason all the work, prayer, effort, manifestation you can muster still doesn’t make it a reality.  I have to say, for me, it’s not the most fun way to go through life that I can think of.  Listen, please don’t message me saying how insensitive it is of me to moan and groan about not having my dreams come true.  I know it’s poor timing to share this with you, I’ve struggled about whether or not to even divulge my feelings in a post, and I’m even aware that it’s slightly gross to feel this way during a time when so many have literally lost everything.  Unfortunately, the way I’m built is I can’t lie when I write.  I can’t write about a whole bunch of other topics while this is weighing so heavily on my heart.  I’m also the sort of person that when I witness how fragile and fleeting life can be is when I struggle with these feelings the most.  That’s when it hits me hardest that; “Wow.  Nothing is guaranteed.  Like NOTHING.”

I mean we all already know this, but when so much crazy shit is happening every single day all around me, that’s when I stop and really take stock of my life.  And poor timing or not, I have to say that if my life were to end tomorrow, I would feel like it ended with too many things being left on the table, and I’m not okay with that.  I want to achieve all my dreams in this one lifetime.  That’s my hope, that’s my goal.  But it truly feels that life doesn’t feel the same way as I do.

The crazy thing about this ride called life is there’s no instruction booklet that says if you do this at this time, then follow it up with this action at that time, at the end of taking all the steps you will end up with your goal being accomplished.  I mean when you go to Ikea, you buy a shelf, you follow their instructions you end up with a shelf at the end, or at least you should.  Ikea isn’t always an easy thing to manage, so perhaps a better analogy is when you follow a recipe to bake a chocolate cake.  If you follow purchase all the proper ingredients and follow it correctly you will in fact have a chocolate cake at the end of it.  There is some comfort in knowing this, that when you follow instructions/recipe, at the end of it you will have a successful result.

But not life.  Life doesn’t happen like this.  I know this to be true, because I’ve seen it happen to me more times than I can count.  I’m not having a pity party, or looking for your sympathies, I’m venting my frustrations to you, because I really have attempted, on many different occasions to turn a dream into a reality so many times.  And truthfully, between you and me, I’m exhausted.  I’m honestly worn out from trying.  I truthfully feel as though I cannot bring myself to try to realize my dreams one more time, for one more day.

Last night I went to sleep with the thought; “Maybe I am on this earth to be Yannick’s wife, mother to my daughters, and help to support them all to be their best selves.  Maybe I’m not a writer, actress, talk show host, or game changer.  Maybe, just maybe those aspirations are all fanciful and childish.  Maybe I need to wrap my brain around, and get content with all that I already have, and stop aspiring to accomplish anything outside of wife and mother???”

And this my friends is something that really makes me go “hmmm…”

17 Comments

  1. Wonderful writing, I can relate to some things. I feel time is running out and I don’t know what I want to do with my life at age 51 and fall into the trap of comparing myself to others and feeling like I’ve done it all wrong. Sigh I am grateful with what I have and at the same time not always content. Maybe it’s a common feeling for women around this age? Thanks for sharing!

  2. Shantelle –

    I want to thank you for being ballsy enough to put yourself out there the way you do. One’s emotions and feelings don’t automatically adjust or end to world (or local) events.

    I just started reading your blogs and the ‘realness’ is refreshing. I was raised in The South and literally taught that showing negative/angry emotions was unnecessary and, most importantly, unladylike. That’s a major part of why I like to read your stuff. Because you can express all range of emotions with your pen with honesty and class. You say so much of what I feel. Thank you!

    Keep the faith and don’t give up. As I see it, you positively touch countless lives – just keep livin’, one sentence at a time.

  3. Shantelle, you are you. A person separate from anyone else who is entitled to have hopes and dreams and to want more for yourself. And you can feel down when those hopes and dreams are not coming to fruition, taking longer than expected, or changing. Feelings and emotions happen when they happen and they never worry if it is the appropriate time to be happening.

    I believe your dreams will come true and they will be all the more glorious when they do, as you are working so hard for them.

    Have your ever thought of compiling your blog posts? They are so inspirational and grounding for many people, especially women. To know what we are not out there alone. You are giving a voice to many of us.

  4. I believe we all have a right to our dreams and the right not to feel guilty about them, regardless of our blessings, our good fortune, others’ misfortune. I love my life and am grateful for who and what I have in it, but I’m here as my unique expression of a little part of God, in my belief system, that contributes to the whole, and part of that uniqueness includes my dreams and hopes, things that keep me going when life gets tough and inspire and excite me even when things are great. Long before my mother got sick and passed away, I saw that she had lost her interests, her dreams, and that was sad and painful to watch. Having dreams doesn’t mean you’re not grateful for the blessings. To me, it means you’re in love with life. I just want to make sure that my dreams always include love and kindness and generosity. Thanks for your thought-provoking post.

  5. Keep going! You have plenty to be proud of in both your personal and career life, but why shouldn’t you still reach for your goals? Keep going, girl!

  6. I had to walk away and come back to leave a comment. As I do I’m still wiping away tears. I have to think/believe that we all have dreams and purposes as yet unfulfilled no matter our age. I always dreamed of being a wife and mother. It hasn’t happened. I’ll be turning 49 this month. It’s hard. Through the many ups and downs of life I’ve continued on, very lonely sometimes. I’m very good at what I do. I do bridal alterations. I’m self-employed now and business is picking up as word of mouth brings more clients through my door. It’s not where I pictured myself. Especially at this age. There were so many other things that were supposed to be a part of my life. Is it ironic that I now play an important part in helping to make other people’s dreams come true?
    I’m not sure where you dream of your career taking you, but You ARE a writer! You might not be on a best seller list YET or have been nominated for best screenplay YET, but you do touch lives. Your humour and your heart reach out from your words and touch more people than you know. Not everyone leaves a comment, but I’m leaving this one because you have touched me and brought a smile to my heart so many times. Thank you so much for that.

  7. Oh…..so much of what you said! This crone (I can call myself that. Just turned 66. I may not be the wise woman of the village, but I am the wise ass of the township, so that works. 😉 ) My observations are that women seem to be expected to have their plates so full there’s no way we can ever manage everything. We have become emotional beasts of burden, but we are just as guilty of packing our own baggage as we are of letting others pass us theirs. A suggestion would be to focus on the beautiful wedding you have looming in the not so far away distance, and maybe one other thing. I’m not going to tell you to put the rest on the back burners. We all know what happens to things that end up there. Eventually they dry out, burn, turn crusty, and smell. Rather move them to a nice basket and put them in a quiet corner across the room in your brain. Get them far enough away so you can get some perspective. Soon enough you will know what to do with them, but you will be moving from your center, and not from a place of panic and exhaustion. Take care.

  8. Actually, I was just thinking about your writing career, and such. When I looked into showing my paintings in a gallery, I discovered it’s like any career-you need a resume. That means, I would need to enter juried shows(many, probably) and WIN. I also would need an artist’s statement explaining what I and my art were all about. Maybe writing is similar? That a publishing house will look more favorably upon those who win writing contests? I don’t know. I thought it might be a good avenue of research, if you haven’t looked into it yet. I looked at grants for writers, but money isn’t your problem (they are $500 to $2500), but, that might be a good thing on a resume. I just thought I would throw some ideas your way.

  9. I am in agreement with everyone’s comment; they are all good points of view.! I don’t think I could really add anything. I especially relate to spreading yourself to thin. You might be trying to be everything to everybody. I can understand your frustrations! Keep the faith, and I know we all want you to keep being you! And I think it safe to say, we all want you to be happy. Remember, you and all of us, deserve it!!

  10. Well said! If your dream is to be a writer . . . You have succeeded! I should not have read this at work, it brought tears to my eyes.

  11. Shantelle,

    Did you think that maybe you are taking on way too much and spreading yourself too thin? You can’t do everything. Maybe it’s time to do more focusing on you.

  12. No,no,no… Aside from being there for your husband and daughters, you have EVERY RIGHT to want success for yourself. I’m trying too. I have success at work, but its not the work I want. So, I continue to do that work AND what I love and work for success in that field. I know it stretches you thin and it’s hard to accept that, at times,
    what you want to do you don’t have time to do. The door will open if you believe in yourself. Don’t give up, it will happen.

  13. Shantelle, you have no idea how much I empathize… :/ We need a support group. 🙂 I drive myself crazy with these exact thoughts. It’s not just you and it’s perfectly okay to want all your goals and dreams to come true! X0

  14. I think this is why Life is so often described as a “dance”. In dance, we move backward and forward, sometimes sideways, and eventually, we repeat our steps over and over again. Life gets that way, too. When I feel longing for dreams left unaccomplished, I reassess where I am and what I’ve done and look at what I can do to change my direction. Sometimes, we lose track of the path we should be on, even though we never lose sight of the desired destination. We get comfortable, lost even, in those roles of wife, mother, daughter, etc. unwittingly. And then, when the dreams, the role, of self, of “womanness”, come roaring back to us, we feel uncomfortable in our comfort. So, I strive to do something, even if it’s just one small thing, every day, to move my “woman-self” forward. I don’t always SEE the progress I make, but the successes, the achievements, CAN be realized. I know, because I’ve experienced those joys firsthand.
    And then again, some dreams have had to fall away when new ones, based on achieving old ones, have taken their place. And that’s a comfort all its own, too.

  15. Take it easy on yourself. Take a break. Take a course. Refresh yourself. Banging away at the same ambition day after day gets frustrating. Look for new stimuli, new energy elsewhere and then when you’re ready, incorporate it into your efforts. I take art classes, not because I can’t paint, but because I find the class so stimulating and the structure so helpful. I’m a deadline kinda gal. You might enjoy a creative writing class, not because you can’t write, which you can, but because it will give you a different slant on your work, get the brain cells percolating. Besides, it’s really fun. Online or local. I like brick and mortar for the people of all ages, all levels of talent, all visions and the instant feedback from the prof.

  16. I think people have these feelings whatever there circumstances are. You can achieve things in time but also remember the things you have achieved. I love your blog it makes me go mmm but this one has hit home. You are such a good writer and I admire the fact that you can put your thoughts out there.
    Keep going and your chin up and you can and will succeed xx

  17. Really, I get it. Its like there should be a formula, and you try and try but it doesn’t happen. It hurts, but you can’t let anybody know or you seem ungrateful for what you have, which really isn’t true. Maybe you’re not the next J. K. Rowling, (or maybe you are, who knows?) but you at least write – and what you write really hits home.. Thanks for being honest and sharing.

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