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Bringing you up to “Dear Elle” speed, a lying mom, and a friend who wants to schedule hang time…WTF???

Hello, it’s me again.  I realized that, along with leaving my daily blog in the dust, I’ve also done a pretty poor job of looping you in to the Milk N Heels posts.  Can we just say that I’ve had quite the summer.  A lot has happened that has thrown me out of my routine and groove.

But fret no longer, here are some Dear Elle articles to keep you busy:  one a mom is lying to another mom about their kid’s relationship, while another woman wants to “schedule in friend time, minus one of the friends.  Talk about things that make me go hmmm friends.  ENJOY!

And as always I look forward to hearing your thoughts, opinions and how you would handle these life situations.

xo

Shantelle

Dear Elle,

My 15 year old daughter has a boyfriend and they have been dating for the past five months.  My daughter and I are pretty tight and tell each other everything. We have had ‘the talk’ many times and she’s a smart girl.  My daughters boyfriend is 16 and is very sweet- I like him! He’s well mannered, smart, funny, great hair LOL , he is also a great athlete.

The boyfriend’s mother doesn’t  approve of them dating, because she feels that her son needs to keep his head in his books and in basketball.   He ends up lying to his mom about where he is while he and my daughter are still always together.  I feel bad knowing she disapproves about what’s really going on but don’t know if I should interfere.

What do you think i should do?

From Hiding Secrets

Dear From Hiding Secrets,

Hmmm…well you’re probably not going to like what I’m about to tell you, but I’m going to tell you anyway, and you can do with it what you like.

By allowing your daughter, and her boyfriend to lie, and sneak around behind his mother’s back and to deny her wishes is making a liar out of you, your daughter, and the boy.  You’re showing them that lying to serve themselves is an okay thing to do.  To which I ask, where does this stop?  What lie to bring yourself pleasure is too great?  I think you’re on a slippery slope here, and I think, that although you might come off as the “cool mom” in this scenario, you’re not being respectful, and you’re not teaching your kid to be either.

If I were you, I would sit the kids down, and I would tell the boy that he can either come clean to his mom, and make some sort of arrangement with her to loosen her reigns on him, like perhaps the kids can see each other twice a week after school?  I mean he is sixteen after all.  But if his mother still won’t relent, then I’m sorry but your daughter and you need to respect her wishes, and not deceive her.  They’ll need to be satisfied hanging out with each other at school.

The next thing I’m going to suggest is that once he’s talked with his mom, you need to reach out to her, and invite her for coffee to apologize for playing along with the kids and dishonouring her.  It won’t be comfortable, but it will go a long way in showing his mother that although you support the kid’s relationship, you realize that it’s important to be respectful of her.  We don’t all have to agree with one another, but we need to honour how other people want to raise their children.  I mean what if the roles were reversed, and you were the mom being lied to by your own kid, another parent, and their child, how would you feel, and what would you hope that other parent would do???

Let’s not forget that every moment like this as a parent is a teaching opportunity, and in this case what your daughter should be learning is, that parents, and rules are to be obeyed, whether we agree with them or not.  You’re teaching her the exact opposite, and as a fellow mom, the only way I can see this turning out for you in the long run is that one day allowing her to think this is acceptable behaviour will only end up biting you in the ass.

Sorry for the tough love,

Xo

Elle

Dear Elle,

I have been at my new job now for the last year and I absolutely  love it.  I have become really good friend with one of the girls –  it was like friends at first sight!  My friend has a best friend that she brings out with us every time we go out, sadly, I don’t really like her.  I find the friend is always trying to ‘1UP’ me and don’t feel that she is she’s genuine.  I want to tell my co-worker that whenever  we go out, I’d rather her not bring her friend but I don’t want to come across as demanding.  Do you think we can work out a schedule, her and I one night and her friend on the other.  I don’t want to ruin our friendship by bringing this up, is the schedule too weird?

What are your thoughts?

From friends at First Sight

Dear Friends at First Sight,

I have been in your shoes.  In fact, I don’t think there is a woman reading this who hasn’t been.  It is sooooo common, it’s like ridiculous how common it is.  We’ve either been the new friend, the old friend, or the friend caught in the middle of two friends she loves.

The bottom line is this; the new friend definitely feels what is going on and is probably just trying to keep you both happy.  She most likely knows that her old friend has a possessive streak and likes for any new friends to know that she was there first.  This is normal practice if you’re dealing with a woman who is a tad insecure, which it sounds like her old friend is.  If it were me, and it has been me in the past, I would say nothing, nor would I make a friend hanging out schedule.  I would instead opt to try to get time with my new friend in ways that make it difficult for the old friend to join in.  Developing your friendship, give it stronger roots, and then eventually, and organically your friend won’t want to combine the hang times.  She’ll see that the two friendships are independent of one another and meet different needs for her, and both of you.  Maybe workout together in the morning before work, grab daily lunches with each other, stuff like that.  But, I would not suggest a friend schedule, that’s just weird.

Best of luck!

Xo

Elle

 

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