I’ve been nursing myself all weekend long while in Nashville, and this bug really came for me, and took me out the minute I landed on Sunday. Since then my bed has been my closest companion. When you’re laying around it leaves a lot of time to catch up on smutty television, and no thanks to Bachelor in Paradise, with that noodley guy, Nick, has me binge watching The Bachelor. A show I’ve never, ever, looked at before in my life. I don’t like the show. I don’t believe that this show is a real thing, but honestly it’s like watching a Goddamn train wreck. Now that I’ve seen this guy go on that other show, I can’t sleep at night without knowing what the hell he’s going to do on The Bachelor. Like will he completely fuck it up the same way he has done on the three other shows he’s been on? Will he find his ONE this time? Is the third time the charm? How will I ever know if I don’t watch? But, if I watch I’ll be so disappointed in myself for slumming. I’ve come this far without watching any of these shows, why start now? It truly amazes me that people go on these competition dating shows, but I’m equally astounded that Ass Pimple is President of the United States of America; so should anything surprise me with this new world we live in.
In the event that you don’t watch, let me bring you up to speed with tonight’s episode. There are six women left on the Bachelor. He is currently sitting in a room with all six, crying. Sharing that he’s ready to find love, that the love he wants is sitting in that room. How do those women respond?? With tears of their owns, joy, excitement and relief. Excuse me? You’re relieved that a crying man, who just twelve hours earlier (or in TV land, last week’s episode) stormed in to tell you all that he doesn’t believe that what he’s looking for is here. All six of you cried, stayed up all night, wondering would happen next in your “relationship” with the same guy?! Wondering out loud to one another; how is that you came all the way here to find love, and now this might all be over.
Holy fuck, what is really going on? What are they all talking about? Do they really want to be in love with this guy? I mean he has been on three other “find love in a competition setting” television shows. He cries at the drop of a hat, like all the damn time. I’m down for a man who is in touch with his emotions, but this guy, this guy is like a reed in the wind, blowing this way and that; he seems to have no idea who he is, or what he wants. Who wants this guy anyway? Do they actually want him?
It all makes me go “hmmm.”
Over the course of, what is it, six weeks, and like thirty other women making out with him right under your nose, also hoping to win the ring, you’re supposed to find true love?? Come on. Really? Nobody believes this do they?
Wait, I have to go, he just gave Raven the rose from the group date! Wow, I didn’t see this coming…Corinne is losing her mind. She is “flabbergasted” what will she do to save this “relationship” with him??
Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm…